This is life

Im having one of those days today, where I am completely restless, and seeing as how my job requires you to be stuck at a desk, I am stuck sitting in one position, until four today. I cant wait to get out of here today.
My mind is racing though, in a million different directions and I cant get it to stop, or at least slow its pace.
Maybe I am just nuts.
This is one of those days where I wish I could just pack it all in. Go somewhere new, try something different, be someone else.
I have this never ending ability to self sabotague and I am desperately trying to work on NOT doing that.
I need money and I need it quick b/c I need to move or take a vacation or something.
I need some time to myslef completely totally and utterly alone time.
I need to vent a little to get this crazy shit out of my head and breathe.
Maybe I need to run...
Well here goes nothing.

In otherwords, today is a post strictly for all you girls out there who are like me.
So I have this distinct tendency to get in a relationship, fall really fast and forget completely all the other stuff in my life.
And then comes the wake up call.
You are moving a long at a steady pace and the relationship hits a bump.
What do you do with this?
Where do you go from here?
Is it worth it?
Well in my case the bump was unexpected but necessary for me to realize that I was forgetting about me me me.
And in my heart I know I'm not ready to give up yet, so I have to take a step back.
I have to put myself first again. I have to give myself a little more of me me me.
Is it worth it?
That is a truly difficult question.
The answer will only be given with time. And overall the relationship hasn't been bad to not be worth it at the moment.
Learning from mistakes is hard, repeating patterns would be much easier, but then again it only spins u in circles.
Love is not a fairy tale. It is attainable but you have to work at it. And you can't just stop trying.
So here we go.
The only thing I can do now is live for me and see where this goes.

Okay so I have this tendency to freak out over nothing. That is right nothing.. When most everything is going along smoothly I look for a reason to fuck it up. I am a self sabotuer never ceasing to find the moment when I can cut myself open and watch the blood pour out. I know what I need to do I need me myself and I time. And I intend to get that in this evening..

Being crazy is like an addiction for me and I cant even be near someone who is because I crave being insane, seriously Im not even joking. Im just soooo used to things biting me in the ass that I assume that they will and I work myself up over nothing. Nothing. UGHHHH I am totally driving myself crazy.
So what I am doing is venting out all my venom on this here Journal blogg, so as to get the shit off my chest and maybe just maybe return to the euphoric feeling I had prior to this week....

On a day such as this,
Never knew
to feel such bliss.
All it took was
one kiss
from gentle lips.
On a day like today,
Never knew
there could be
away for breath
to be stole
and words gone away.
Oh today! Today!
Ive come to find
one whose constant in
my heart and mind.
Oh today! Today!
Ive come to see
the one
who will
always be.

So I recently turned 26. AH! But so far its been really quite nice upgrading into the late 20s pple have a little more respect for you. Of course I have been demanding more respect in general as well. I have to say things just are really nice right now. School is good, work is good, jeeps still kicking, and home is hopefully getting better.
Im also a little infatuated with someone who is very interesting. He is a little older and very sweet. The nicest thing is how respectful and courteous and polite he is. I mean we have only been out four times so its not like I have known him all that long, but we spend a good amount of time together when we are together and its really awesome. I like this one, he's a keeper. I think I just may keep him for awhile :)

Daffodils, daisies, dandelions too,
gathered up from the garden
in grandma's backyard.
Collecting little pieces of beauty,
place in a old mason
jar filled halfway up
with water room temp.
Standing upstairs,
on sleepover night,
in th black and white bathroom,
making "potions"
out of his shaving cream.
"Parties" in the basement
and goodies every friday night.
We were:
Joey and Lisa
Stacey and Julie
Henry and Jillian
Suzanne and Robbie
Melissa, Diana, and Meghan
Kelly, Christopher, Adam and Ryan
and Emily Jane.
What I'd give for one more Christmas
"Hey Bobby it's your Birthday!"
What I'd give for just
five more minutes
of their bickering.
Waiting for him to come home
back from the store,
in whatever car it was at the time.
To unload the groceries,
chop the green beans with her and her
bony freckled fingers,
set up the table to sit down
and feast,
on roast beast,
naturally.
What I'd give for just one more
memory
of everybody gathered in that living room
on couches, chairs
and pillow on the floor.
No worries, no cares,
nothing else matters,
because everyone,
whose anything
ever at all,
was already there.

The wind
blows sharp through the air
cuts through skin
lacerates the tissue, the muscle to bone.
Slashing the heart,
piercing,
it bleeds.
Blood trickles
slow and steady,
pouring out his chest.
Torn apart,
gradually dying.
Falling to the floor in slow motion.
Seems like forever
only minutes.
Gasping for air
his lungs will fail.
It is brutal and bitter.
The light of life is suddenly stolen
from his eyes.
He knows it is coming.
She has slaughtered him
with her artic tongue,
captured the warmth of his breath,
leaving him ice cold.

Visionary
see right ahead.
Directly in front,
facing your face,
an image.
Imagine,
Seeing and becoming,
being, breathing,
blinking and living
life?
You dream and see
becoming this being.
Your life
meant to be.

I am really busy lately. The kind of busy that leaves you dizzy, and even makes you ryhme lol. Ohhh boy where to begin, turns out maybe not right now, is a definately not right now. First of all, I am soooo busy secondly, I have not met a good person to spend any excess time with ( seeing as there is barely any), third of all I need to focus on more important things.
I start class up again on monday and I have a 600 page novel to read beforehand because we will be discusing it the first night of class. So far I ve gotten about 2 chapters done.
I am working really hard right now to ensure my family has a place to live, considering we have about 5 weeks until the mortgage company may try to force us into foreclosure. Woo hoo gotta love America! (Well I do most of the time). If I can come up with the 5g's to save the house, perhaps in a year I can be buying my own house.
Im really exhuasted too, emotionally drained to the core. Sometimes I wish I could escape, take a plane ride to nowhere and NEVER look back.
But then I realize, that I will have to start over and work my way up again and have NO one to depend on ( not that I do now, at least financially), and my problems wouldnt be going anywhere.
We will see what happens... I just really really could use a fn break!

Ok so my track record since I was 22 has been to always find someone or them find me when I'm in the midst of finding myself. Fast forward three years later I can confidently tell you I know who I am, what I want, and have a pretty good Idea of where my life is going. But, this is the funny thing, life doesn't always give a shit about where your going.
I went on a date a couple of weeks ago, and it was nice, he was nice, the idea of the whole thing was well, nice.
What is different now is that I know who I am, what is different now is that I know what I want.
So am I ready?
My problem is this: I hate being vulnerable. I hate being emotional. I hate getting attatched.
And I can't seem to help myself once I get into something like a dating experience and be that way.

drink that
amber colored liquid
travel down your throat
warm the inside
drink
it down
to the very last bit
see the bottle
become clear
eyes start to
glaze over
dont feel a thing
just before your head
gets heavy,
your eyes tire,
shed one last tear
of pain
dont feel a thing.
drown out your sorrows to feel
nothing,
feeling something means
you still care.
you'drather feel
numb
then admit the wounds
still here.
drink that amber colored liquid
travel down your throat
warm the inside
Dont feel a thing.

I find it amazingly sad,in todays modern society,that women who are single are still considered on the way or presently an Old Maid.
I am 25 and unmarried and currently not in a relationship.And I have an unbelievable truth to share with u, I have never been happier.
Sure there have been some options of persuing a relationship, but quite frankly I don't wish to be in one. It doesn't mean I am planning on being single forever,but if I am, it really doesn't matter.
I look around me and I see these intelligent beautiful women,young and old, pinning for the affection of another.It drives me crazy.
Is my sole purpose in life as a woman to be in a relationship? Does the healthy relationship I have established with myself pale in comparison? Will my whole life be determined by who I date?
People ask me who I am dating and my reply is simple: No one. When they naturally reply with:Why? I say:Because I'm not interested in dating right now.
I get these quixodically puzzelled looks. You know the ones that say:She is nuts!
The truth of the matter is simply this: I have spent entirely too much time waiting for someone else to come into my life and make me happy. I have discovered happiness does not come from anyone else it comes from yourself.
I am happy. I live a healthy fullfilling loved life. I am single, and I don't give a shit, if you don't like it.
After all this is My Life and I am dealing with it.

If ur single and u know it and u really want to show it go to :
www.singlewomenrule.com

Feeling a fuzzy
vibration
from fingers
to toes.
A sensation
Never thought
I ever
would know.
Resembling
electricity
like lightening
striking
where ever I go.
How did this happen,
when did I wake
to find
something sleeping
deep inside.
For the first,
in what seems like forever,
I feel alive.
This jolt of energy
surprises
enlightens
inspires
me.
I feel like living
a life uncharted
and free.

So I am taking this environmental ethics class. It is a philosophy 300 level course. It isn't kicking my butt as bad as I thought.What it is doing is not only questioning my ability to be environmetally active, but tessting what it is I believe in.
What do I believe in?
I once was totally certain that I knew what I believed in, and over the years have found myself questioning and doubting more and more.
I have learned that I can not say what it is that I believe in, I guess my answer is that I am trying to find out.
Here is what I know, we most likely evolved as humans from some lower cognitive level of mammal. We are supposed to be the care takers and keepers of the environment. We have strayed so far from our original purpose. We are now killing entire species without thinking twice bc we r so selfish we don't think twice about it.But I also am awar that by doing such we will ultimately extinguish ourselves, because here is the truth: The earth can live without us, but we cannot live with out the earth.
And though I'm still not sure about my belief in God, if there is such a "being" surely we can not blame it for our destrustion. We must turn and point the finger in one direction only- to ourselves. So forgive ur God for this mess, we are the ones to blame.

Quick recap of the weekend.
I had two dates for saturday.
I got blown off for both dates on saturday.
I ended up crashing a party on saturday, where I met a cute guy and had an amazing time.
Basically saturday didnt go as planned, but it went better than planned.
Sunday I slept all friggin day. : )
Now its back to the daily grind.

My older cousins used to tell this great story around halloween time about a woman named Maria. They told us that Maria had been a lady who onced lived in our grandparents house. The apparently lady had drowned herself in the swamp behind my grandparents house, because she couldnt take life anymore. They would tell us this story of course in the back yard gathered by the pond and say she haunted it . They said once a year on halloween she comes back to take the life of a young child and drown them in the swamp. The best and most frightening part was when someone would all the sudden "see" her ghost. Which of course would be one of the other cousins rising from the swamp dressed as a lady. And then theyd all scream "mmmmmmmarrrriiiiia" "mmmmmaaaarrriiiiaaa" until we ran scared shitless into the house. : )

I start my first class tonight and I am wickedly excited >: O Oh yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So The guy that I met and I have been talking almost daily which is kinda nice. We actually have a pretty good amount of things in common. Which is also very nice because it gives us things to actually talk about. He finally asked me to hang out & plans are in the making for the upcoming weekend. But enough about that lets talk about school.
I have to leave work by 4pm on the dot bc my class starts at 5 and I do not want to be late. nope nope nope. My first class is western civilization a history class that I need to take in order to fullfill a gen ed that I didnt need at the previous community college I had gone to.
The other class I have is on weds and thats environmental science. Nothing terribly exciting but just being able to go is exciting!!! Look at me a nerd again!! yay!
I had a really amazing weekend. It was filled with good wine, good food, and really good friends. I have found myself in the most unusal of circumstances, being by myself and being completely comfortable with that. I guess I am just realizing to truly let go of those who do not appreciate me. I am learning how to have fun again, just to relax and not worry about what people will or wont think of me. All that truly matters is what I think of myself. Right now I would have to say I am very proud of myself. I have made some tough decisions, but ultimately the right ones.
I have chosen to give myself the chance I deserve, the chance to become who I want to be and in the process I am learning to appreciate who I am.

So it is 3:00 in the afternoon at work and I am bored as hell. It is slow today, which i s actually rather unusual for a friday, mostly its really busy. I dont know I guess I will ramble to no end about nothing in particular.
Random thoughts, I met a fairly nice guy last weekend and we have been talking a lil bit over the past few days. I guess you cant really call it talking though, its really texting. I dont know I am bored... Bored bored bored.
Tonight is a girls night at my friends house, which is nice, truthfully I would rather be going on a date, whihc is what I was hoping he'd ask for. Oh well not the end of the world certaintly not. I am currently totally uninterested in dating someone, as in having a boyfriend. Going out on dates, is what I am in the mood for. You know casually dating.
I start classes next week and I am thouroughly ecstatic about this. It has been quite the journey to be on the past few years, and though I have had to stop and go I have proven my worth in not quiting totally.

At least there is something to look forward to.

We sit,
perched upon the ledge of the pier,
winter melting away,
watching clouds pass.

Silence.

A boat sails by
us slowly
the view
is beautiful,
air crisp.
We sit together,
yet
apart.

The cold wind blows
through me
though,
not as freezing
as your disposition.

I shiver.

No words to speak
wounds won't heal.

This is the calm before the storm
and I can feel it coming.

The water sits
still,
our reflection mirrored back.

A perfect image displays
what is happening.
It speaks a thousand words,
though we won't say one
to each other.

We sit,
perched upon the ledge of the pier,
winter melting away,
watching clouds pass.

Silence.

Unicorn... though they found that one horned deer, I dont count it..... Haha